• Ask Dr Venus,  Love & Sex

    Ask Dr Venus : I’m the “Other Woman”

    Dear Dr Venus,

    I’m a 25-year old woman and have recently been involved with a man who is already in a relationship with another woman. They are going through a long-distance relationship and he sees her perhaps once every two months. I guess the distance is putting a toll on their relationship, because I know he still loves and cares for her – but we also connect on a different level all together. I have a medical condition that most other men would find disgusting or embarrassing but he does not seem phased by it and always supports me whatever way he can. This is a support system I thought I would never experience but even though he makes me so happy, I understand that this is no way to start a relationship. The relationship has gone physical, but I have tried ending it. I always pride myself on doing the right thing and I don’t want this burden on my shoulder. I want to do the right thing, but I also care for him deeply. I guess I’m just looking for a definite sign that I should end this, even though my heart tells me we are meant to be together.

    Sincerely,

    Desperate for a Solution

    DR VENUS REPLIES:

    Dear Desperate for a Solution,

    You’ve probably asked friends and family for advice, and when it comes to being the “other woman” people are quick to be judgmental and immediately tell you to “forget about him”, “move on”, and the ultimate favourite response, “if he could do it to her, he could do it to you.”  While these responses seem to be the accurate thing to do, they really do not address how you feel as a person and kind of just shuns you in to a deeper spiral of self-loathe and possibly depression.

    In your case, there are two things to look at: Firstly, to address your self-esteem in regards to your medical condition and secondly, how to address this relationship issue.

    As with most relationships, each one is different and each one comes with its own set of intricacies. First and foremost, while we understand that you’ve connected with this guy on a deeper level with your medical condition, don’t ever think that you will not be able to find someone else who will love and appreciate you regardless of your condition – no matter how far-fetched that may seem. There’s seven billion people on the planet, trust me when I say, if you managed to find one guy who’s OK with your condition that there’s bound to be many more out there like him.

    If anything, consider yourself lucky to that you get to weed out characters who only want to be with you for the good times, and not for the inevitable health problems that us “normal” people will eventually have to face. Once you get over that, then you can start looking at the relationship objectively without feeling like a victim who should just accept whatever she can get.

    Next, in terms of your relationship with this man at the end of the day, it is his choice to make.  While we agree that what he is doing isn’t right, it doesn’t make him a bad person (unless he is a serial cheater) – just someone who has made poor choices in this occasion. Bear in mind that the situation would be a lot different is he is already married, with kids, etc.

    For now, there are many questions to ask before either party can decide what to do next – does he want to continue this long-distance relationship with his current girlfriend, what are their plans – will she be moving back here, is he considering moving there, how is their relationship – is it a mutual feeling or is she oblivious to the fact that they have a problem?

    I’m sure you have spoken to him about this situation, and you’re right in saying that you want to do the right thing and end it. When I say end it, I only mean to end it on your part until he makes his decision. Tell him that this situation makes you uncomfortable, and that you want to do the right thing. If he is a decent man, he will most probably be feeling guilty as well having to juggle both relationships and so this would give him some space for him to think and consider all options.

    Also, you do not want him to think that you are without morals as well. By doing the right thing, it shows that you respect the girlfriends feelings and would rather he solved his problems with his girlfriend first. If for some reason they decide not to continue with the relationship, then you can revisit your relationship and decide if it’s something you want to pursue.

    For now, I would recommend that you tough it up as much as it hurts and try to keep a distance. I know it’s hard, but it’s better to hurt now than get too involved and end up hurting even more later.

    At the end of the day, you need to look after yourself first and self-preservation is always a good step in that direction. You can’t keep giving him what he wants, and not set some boundaries otherwise he will never confront this issue with his girlfriend.  As the saying goes, don’t let him have his cake, and eat it too.

    If he really feels for you, then he needs to know how life would feel like without you. If he’d rather not break her heart and chooses to break yours – at least you know where you stand, and you can start on your moving on process. But if he cannot live without you, this will help him to make his mind up and do the necessary break up with his girlfriend.

    If he does break up with his girlfriend, he will need his recovery period as well. You need to be there as a friend, but still set your boundaries because the last thing you want is to be a rebound girlfriend. Give him a mourning period, and if you’re serious about being with him, just be there for him and do not pressure him to move on or to start acting like your boyfriend. Let the process happen naturally, you will know when he is ready and then you can work to starting the relationship off on a positive note.

    The work does not end there though, and once the two of you have started a proper relationship together you will need to work on whatever trusts issues you may have. Always communicate with one another, and try not to bring up things in the past that he may have done. If you don’t think you can get over his past, then maybe you should reconsider pursuing this relationship.

    I hope this helps, and all I can say is be strong. If you take all the right precautions and do everything with the relationships best interest at heart, this could be the start of a beautiful and well-worth it relationship. All the best!

    Love,

    Dr. Venus

    (Disclaimer : Dr. Venus is not a doctor nor a certified psychologist or counsellor. All love advice dispensed is purely from the depths of her heart.  Advice given is taken at your own risk, Dr. Venus and Venusbuzz.com bears no responsibilities)

  • Ask Dr Venus,  Love & Sex

    Dr Venus : Should I Stay Friends with My Ex?

    Dear Dr. Venus,

    I dont know how to stay friends with my ex. At the same time, I really enjoy being around him and I know for sure he’s still in love with me. I know how they all say ex-couples should never stay friends, but i’m not ready to lose him forever either. What should I do?

    Naili.

     

    DR VENUS REPLIES:

     

    Dear Naili,

    The fact that your ex is still in love with you, yet you merely want to maintain friendship shows a mismatch in expectations. If he is still in love with you but you are not in love with him, do not lead him on. When he realizes that he cannot get you back, all hell will break loose and he would probably cut you off for good anyway. You should know by now that a man’s ego should not be bruised.

    If you still feel the need to be around him, or you have the fear of losing him, perhaps what you may have needed was a time-out, rather than a break up. Better examine yourself to see if what you are feeling about him is just friendship or more. If you do still love him in that way too, you may want to explore going back to where you were before, assuming what had irked you then can be resolved. If he still loves you, there is a chance. However, he will not wait til eternity and the window does not stay open forever.

    If you are certain that you have moved on, perhaps what you enjoy is being around him. This is mostly due to the familiarity of a settled routine when you were together. It appears that you didn’t have a bad breakup and you are currently in a “holding” zone, yes, that space in between breakups where ex lovers become a friend or try to become friends. As you seem to have moved on, it is not quite fair for you to keep him trailing along thinking that you may be interested in anything more than a friendship.

    There is however much truth in what they say about ex-couples not staying friends, but I’d prefer to rephrase that to : “Ex-couples should not be friends for a while”. Both parties should take a proper break from each other and figure out what they truly want from each other or to settle themselves and learn to live without each other. It is selfish to have each other around for comfort’s sake or just because it is easier to carry on with life in a routine.

    Once one party has resolved themselves and are ready to date someone else again, the “second breakup” may be even more painful than the first. It would feel like a betrayal, simply because of misplaced expectations of the other person.

    You may need to face up to reality soon and deal with the possibility of moving on with or without him. You should let him know how you feel and try as much as possible to stay away from each other. You can see him occasionally but don’t run to him every time he calls. Keep your distance and once you feel he has also let you go, you can start being friends all over again. If he can accept that and still sticks around, you just received a bonus!

    Love,
    Dr. Venus

    (Disclaimer : Dr. Venus is not a doctor nor a certified psychologist or counsellor. All love advice dispensed is purely from the depths of her heart.  Advice given is taken at your own risk, Dr. Venus and Venusbuzz.com bears no responsibilities)

  • Ask Dr Venus,  Love & Sex

    Ask Dr Venus – How to deal with Jealousy

    Dear Dr. Venus,

    I am having a problem with my boyfriend which I am not too sure how to resolve.

    He is naturally close to women (although I don’t think he is cheating) and sometimes it is taking its toll on me. There are times it is so tempting to get closer to my male friends just to see how he reacts. But of course, logically I know that it would mean adding another problem to our relationship. How do I face the many girls in his life, in style?

    Sincerely,

    Angel

     

    DR VENUS REPLIES:

    Dear Angel,

    Sometimes women think too much and create situations in their head that don’t exist. This sounds like one such an issue which only needs to be played out in your head and not in real life.  Having said that, one can never be too cautious, do trust your gut feel at the same time.

    Enter a relationship with confidence, knowing you have thought carefully about your choice of men.  Trust then needs to develop, hopefully he has proven himself faithful. If he has not been acting funny or hiding from you, or given you reason to doubt, do not create unnecessary stress on the relationship til you have proof or reason to doubt.

    Some men have good healthy friendships with other women without needing to be in a relationship with them. If he is too touchy-feely, confides only in women, or spends too much time with them, then you may have a real issue. If the women he hangs out with are decent, it is less of a worry. Perhaps you may want to get to know them better too, you know what they say about keeping your “enemies” close. If they are his friends, you definitely should get to know them better.

    Either way, if it is bothering you, sit him down and talk to him about it. If he loves you, he will be careful about his friendships with other women, or provide you with a proper explanation for his actions. Whatever it is, let him know, don’t hide it under the carpet.

    Most importantly, don’t let it show when you meet up with those women. A green-eyed monster is not a pretty one. Carry your confidence over to your relationship and own the relationship at all times. Never play the same game by trying to get closer to your male friends just to trigger a reaction. Women should have more class than that!

    Love,
    Dr. Venus

    (Disclaimer : Dr. Venus is not a doctor nor a certified psychologist or counsellor. All love advice dispensed is purely from the depths of her heart.  Advice given is taken at your own risk, Dr. Venus and Venusbuzz.com bears no responsibilities)

  • Ask Dr Venus,  Love & Sex

    Ask Dr Venus – I can’t get over my ex

    Dear Dr. Venus,

    I can’t seem to forget my ex. He was the love of my life and somehow we drifted and eventually broke up. Then I realized later I still had feelings for him. It has been two years now and I still wonder if there is a chance for us to be together again, although he is with someone now. He still tries to stay in touch, but it is too painful for me to imagine him being with someone other than myself. I know it is selfish, but I can’t seem to move on. Help!!!

    Amanda

    DR VENUS REPLIES:

    Dear Amanda,

    You have to let go and start living. Stop thinking about him! Although easier said than done, there are ways to get through a heartbreak. Sitting in a corner and reminiscing about the ex is not one. Keep yourself occupied. Hang out with friends who know what you are going through and can support you without feeding you with unrealistic advice and/or hope.

    Get involved with a physical activity, get a makeover or do something for your own confidence. Make sure when single, you are hot, if not hotter than when you were with him. There is no worse insult for yourself than being single and looking like Ju-on after crying your mascara out and having unkempt hair. There is also no better revenge than looking like a million bucks after a breakup!

    NEVER waste your time waiting. If it is meant to be, it will happen in its own time, but waiting and not getting anywhere will dig you deeper into your grave of sadness and misery. Expecting and not getting may break your heart once more too. Cee Lo Green said it best with “Forget You”, best sung with Gwyneth Paltrow’s attitude in Glee, i.e. Snap it off and get on with life!

    He is with someone now, accept it and move on, there really are plenty of other fishes in the sea which will swim you by if you only want cod! Go fishing, it is fun and may get you hooked

    Get your mind occupied on something else other than him and very soon you’ll find yourself living again. Remember this – no man is worth the pain unless they are right there beside you for life.

    Love,
    Dr. Venus